never ending sorrow
by jayfeather15
Summary: as ponyboy's grades bring new hope into the curtis home one event will change everything and the bond between the brothers may be lost forever
1. Chapter 1 breaking the news

"Darry! Darry!,"

Ponyboy screamed as he ran through the door slamming it behind him.

It had been at least four months after Johnny and Dally died and the thought still rest in everybody's mind.

"what the heck are you yelling about kid, I'm in the kitchen," darry said in an angered tone.

'

"darry I got an A on that assignment Mr. syme gave me, I'm gonna pass!" pony screamed with joy.

Darry's eyes widened into soft gentle circles almost like johnny's.

Johnny pony thought

don't remember just don't remember johnny

he had been the one most turned by johnny's death he still hadn't gotten over the thought that johnny killed the soc

it was me not johnny me, why must all these things end up having to be in johnny's hands

"pony, you okay? Your looking kinda funny?"

darry's words snapped him out of his thoughts "oh uh yeah I'm fine darry notin really"

darry tried to check his forehead but pony scooted backwards before he could even put a single finger on him

he looked behind him

"wheres soda?" he asked

darry sighed "been cooped up in the bedroom this whole time don't know whats wrong with em" he stared down at his feet "maybe you can get him to come out"

"why me?" he asked sounding confused

"look kid just go check on em" darry said starting to sound frustrated

"okay okay I'm going" gee sure don't wanna start up trouble with darry again, he thought

pony knocked on the door "soda? You in there?" he asked

he was silent for a moment but then pony heard a quiet answer "yeah come on in pony" he whispered trying to hide the sorry sunken in his voice

ponyboy opened the door to find soda sitting on the floor with an envelope in his hands. It wasn't the one he gave sandy either this one had purple ink on it. Almost like the pen sandy used. "whats that" he asked as he walked over to soda's side

soda sighed and the room was quiet for a moment "a letter from sandy" he said as he clutched the letter tighter in his hands, pony could see the sweat from his plams on the envelope as it became wrinkled and almost torn

pony had to lean in closer just to hear the words coming out of soda's mouth, he tried to bring out something good to bring soda's spirits up "i uh I got an A on that childhood memory thing I did for my english teacher" he said

soda just nodded approval and mumbled something to quiet to hear

ponyboy tried to change the subject hoping to start a conversation "how was work today?" he asked

soda shrugged "fine as always" he whispered

pony spotted a cigarette by the bed and knew something was up "whats been bothering you today soda?" he asked

he shrugged again "just life I guess, it's nothing pony" he whispered hiding the sorrow in his voice

"i know somethings getting on your damn nerves and it ain't gonna do you no damn good if you don't tell me what the heck is going on!" he yelled not noticing how harsh his tone was

soda's eyes teared up like a flood on his face "it's sandy" he said with a quiver in his voice

pony's surging anger cooled off into a deep swelling sorrow, a knot caught in his chest as if the sympathy for his brother was caught up in him "is it about the baby" he whispered

soda sighed again "yeah, something like that" he said

pony's face turned pale white as he almost fainted feeling the hurt from yelling at soda so harshly

darry surged into the room "what the heck is going on in..." he stopped and took a look at soda's face, he walked over to him and put his arm over his shoulder "you okay little buddy" he asked, the expression on darry's face was full of sorrow as if somebody had just stabbed soda in the heart killing him in one blow

soda looked up at him as the tears kept coming down, he handed darry the letter, his hands shaking with every time he put it closer and closer to darry's huge hands

darry looked at the letter occasionally rubbing his eyes to make sure he wasn't going crazy or nothing "sandy" he whispered "it's from sandy"

"it's about the baby" soda whispered. There was a long pause of silence then he spoke again "the baby was born early" he whispered

darry's face turned paler than pony's and as he looked over at his expression pony noticed it was the same look he had when johnny was beat up pale and lifeless almost like a zombie

soda looked up at him tears running down like a waterfall from his eyes as he choked the words to come out, he shook his head in silence then answered "it was a miscarriage"


	2. Chapter 2 no hope and no soda

The room got silent as we had just heard the news only the creaking of the floor could be heard and the wind making the window pane shake, I looked over to darry and could see that he was thinking the same thing I was, _why soda? Why couldn't this happen to anybody else? It just had to be Sandy's baby_

the silence was finally broken when soda burst out in wailing tears "i just don't understand" he cried as his sorrowful screams echoed through the house "it's all my fault I shouldn't of let her go off without me, I should of stayed with her even if she declined my help" he yelled

darry grabbed him by the arm and clenched him so hard that I could see his veins poppin "look kid" he said as tears ran down his cheeks "this ain't got nottin to do with you, god knows how that baby died but it ain't your fault, you ain't got nottin to do with it's death" he said coughing up the words as they stuck to his throught

I watched in silence as the squeals of pain and agony went on, all I could think about is if this had anything to do with the connection of johnny's death, how he died so young, how it was as if my fault

soda tore open the envelope and we all crowded around to see, he tried reading it but his tears choked his voice

darry took the letter and read it to us _"hey soda I know your probably still trying to get over what I did to you and I wanna say I'm sorry, but I needed to tell you that... the baby, it was born early last week and it's breathing was very faint, I found out the next day that it didn't make it, I'm sorry I couldn't call but, I just didn't want to break the news so quickly, I'm sorry soda but I guess it just had to end this way I'll come and visit ya soon please don't feel bad about this, It was my fault Jeff and I were cheating behind your back anyway just take care all right_

_ sincerely,_

_ sandy_

I felt sick, like I was in a hot room of lies filling me with heat until I threw up all over the floor, heat that would stick forever

darry sighed "sorry kid" he whispered as he looked at soda

I stared at soda, he looked awfully pail, almost like all the blood had rushed out of him, like a ghost, I looked into his wild, reckless, dancing eyes they had turned dull and lifeless, I finally spoke up "so she's coming to visit us?" I said hoping to change up the subject a little

soda sighed and took a long pause then faintly whispered "yeah, but I don't know if I can really trust her here anymore" he said, "i haven't seen her since she moved off to Florida" he looked up at ponyboy his dried up tears sticking to his face like a magnet "all I can wonder is, does she still love me" he said

I almost fainted, _how could somebody do such a cruel thing to such a sweet guy like soda and still love him afterward_, I thought but yet again he still loved her

darry quickly stood up "come on it's time to eat I don't want yall getting all worked up about this before supper, you need yer energy, we can talk more about this tomorrow" he said pulling me up by the arm

I sat down at the table rubbing the red spot on my arm where darry grabbed me, _more like a body __builder than a house builder_ I thought

darry handed me a plate, I looked down and saw that it was fried chicken and waffles "what the heck is this supposed to be? Breakfast and lunch unite?" I asked

darry rolled his eyes and gave me a frustrated look "its chicken and waffles you idiot, now stop your fussing and eat" he said in an angered tone "damn kid" I heard him mumble

I was about to argue but feared the worst, _who in the damn world would eat chicken with waffles, _I thought to myself, I saw soda walk in and sit down, he just stared at his plate not really saying much through dinner

as I helped darry put the plates up he whispered something to me "hey kid, I want you to take it easy with soda tonight, I don't want him thinking about sandy or notin savvy?"

I looked at darry and shook my head then turned back to look at soda, I saw a tear run down his eyes as he got up and went into the bathroom, "darry?" I asked "what are we gonna do if he still wants to marry sandy?"

darry looked at his feet then looked up at the ceiling "i don't know little brother, I don't know, all we can do is hope for the best and hope that this can't get any worse, he's got enough troubling him right now and I don't want that lying two timer coming down just to make soda feel miserable, she can go hang out with Jeff if she's moaning over that baby, it's his child anyway" he said trying not to get to loud though it was hard since darry had such a deep voice

I just stood there silently occasionally nodding, after I brushed my teeth I went into our room to see soda already in bed curled up like he was scarred somebody was gonna come kill em, "hey" I said as I crawled into bed, no answer, "are ya going to work tomorrow" I asked, all he did was shake his head no, I tried changing it up a bit "did Steve steal any hubcaps this week?" I asked, he shook his head yes, I was about to go off on him but then remembered what darry tole me, I sighed and layed my head down, _if only sandy would of stayed with soda, this would of never happened, _I thought

I woke up the next morning to darry slappin my leg "get up already pony its 10 o'clock" he said pullin the covers off me

I moaned a tired sound "alright I'm up I'm up" I said in a sleepy tone, I went into the bathroom to find and empty shower, soda always takes showers in the mornin where could he be?, I went into the living room after I washed my face and combed my hair back I still wish I wouldn't of had to bleach it, I liked having my long brown hair but it was for johnny and I had to help my friend

darry came into the living room with his bag and stuff "don't smoke to much and try to get outta the house for a while today" he said before leaving

I gave him a funny look "now why would I stay cooped up inside all day long smoking" he asked, darry gave me the look and I quickly shut up, sometimes I wonder if darry ever had fun as a kid, I turned the TV on and started watching mickey mouse, "shoot there ain't no mickey mouse without two-bit being here" I said as I got up to call two-bit, I quickly remembered that two-bit had gone to Tennessee for his cousin's wedding, I slapped my hand against my forehead feeling stupid, I went back into our room to find soda still in bed, I proded him in the side hopping it would wake him up

no movement

I tried again this time shaking em a little "come on soda mickey mouse is on it's your favorite episode too" I said hoping it would make him rush up

still no answer or sign of movement

I gave up and decided to go back and watch some more TV, I went into the kitchen before going back in the living room, I grabbed a slice of chocolate cake and some chocolate milk to go with it, I thought for a moment, it isn't like soda to be so quiet and motionless in the morning, I decided to go check on em after a while, it must have been a rough night having to think about Sandy's baby

about an hour later I still didn't see soda up, I started to worry and rushed into the bedroom, I shook him rapidly "soda come on wake up" he was silent, "soda please wake up" I couldn't see him breathing and guessed the worse, I noticed he still had the covers over his head, I lifted them up slowly praying and mumbling cuss words only to find a lump of pillows and soda nowhere to be found


	3. Chapter 3 saying goodbye

I almost screamed but I didn't want the neighbors to come rushing in and making a fuss outta this, it was personal and not even twobit or steve could find out about this

I checked one more time then rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn't seeing things, it was true all right, soda was gone

I cussed under my breath and felt hot tears running down my face

I looked around for any signs of where he could of gone, I searched for a note, a clue, anything that would help me to find my brother, the bed was full of pillows but nothing under them, I searched under the bed and every inch of the floor, but still no trace of soda

I ran to the living room and instantly picked up the phone to call darry, I thought for a moment and wondered if this was the best I could do, it might be easier to find him on my own, I looked at the phone and gently set it down, my palms were sweating like a pig's butt, I thought of some of the places soda would be and raced out of the house towards the arena, there was a rodeo tonight and I figured I could make it about ten minutes before it ended if I got twobit to drive

I got up to his house and almost rang the doorbell wondering again what was the right thing to do, I snapped out of it and followed through with it I couldn't let my thoughts carry me away, twobit's mom came to the door

"hello ponyboy" she said, her rosy cheeks shinning with light as her face lit up the neighborhood, "are you here to see twobit?" she asked

I nodded and she went inside, I was shaking, standing there shaking on the porch unable to control my actions I almost punched the wall waiting on twobit, finally he came to the door "whatta want kid" he asked in a sleepy tone, I guessed he was having a nap or something

"I need you to drive me down to that rodeo that's on tonight at the arrowhead arena" I said trying to keep the quivering out of my voice, he almost asked me why but I quickly shot back "please twobit I really wanna see it" I said trying to sound convincing

he shut up and got in the car, as we drove down there I was still shaking "you cold pony?" he asked , I guessed he could tell

"a little" I lied

he turned the heat on and I started sweating worse, "glory kid, what the heck is wrong with ya, first your shaking now your sweating like a dog" he said turning the heat off

I almost cussed him out but I kept my mouth shut, I was to worried to argue right now, I had more important things to worry about, my brother's life was at stake

when we finally got there I hopped out of the car and ran in as fast a I could only to find that soda wasn't there, I sighed and ran to DX which was at least a mile away, I was coughing and panting when I got there and steve said he hadn't see soda today, he almost asked what was wrong but I shot outta there like a lighting strike before he could even start

I was giving up hope and decided to call darry, the tears were running down my face like a rainstorm, I dialed his work number and waited for his boss, butch, to answer

"hello?" he said

"i need to talk to Darrel Curtis" I said as the shaking in my voice rose

"I'll get em" he said then the phone got quiet for a moment

I felt like cussing the guy out for taking so long but I figured he would hang up, and darry was probably busy roofing a house, I heard a voice come out of the phone and I was snapped out of my thoughts

"huh?" I heard darry's deep voice

"darry, I... I can't find soda, he's" I took a long pause "he's gone" I said as the tears ran down faster

the phone hung up and ten minutes later I saw darry speeding down the strip, he screeched to a halt and literally pulled me into the truck, he raced off to the house, "when did he leave" he said

I looked over and saw tears building up in his icy eyes "about and hour after you left" I said as my hand shook on the edge of my seat

darry shook his head and wiped his hand over his mouth with a sigh "he at work?" he asked

I shook my head and darry sighed again, "he ain't at the rodeo either I checked their first" I said as darry handed me a napkin to wipe my tears

"he's gotta be somewhere, he can't be too far" he said, I could tell he was trying to convince me so I wouldn't be too scared

"darry" I asked, "what if he ran away like johnny and I did when we killed bob, what if we never find em" I said

darry sighed and tried to comfort me "don't say that pony, you and I both know he would never do anything like that" he said "i hope" he whispered, I just barely heard that last part but I knew he was thinking the same as me _he's gone, he's gone and he ain't coming back_

I looked out the passenger side window wondering if we _would_ ever find him, I watched as the tree's and the bushes went by then darry halted at our house, he slammed the door behind him as he got out of the truck swearing under his breath, he stroked his fingers through his hair in frustration, I stayed in the truck thinking about what would happen if we never found soda, If he ran out far, past Tulsa, past windrexville, past Oklahoma, to the middle of nowhere

darry hopped back in the truck and leaned against the steering wheel, I stared at him, I saw tears running down his chin, he suddenly looked up "Vietnam" he whispered

I looked at him confused "huh?" I said

he stared at me and put his huge hands on my shoulders squeezing me "he's enlisting himself into Vietnam" he said with a quivering tone

I almost fainted onto darry's lap, I never thought soda would get so upset he would risk his life killing himself, darry stepped on the gas and shout out for the police station, we ran out of the car and saw soda standing in line waiting for his turn to sign up for the war

darry pulled him out, I could see his muscles straining as he clenched soda's arm "what the heck do you think your doing kid" he yelled

I looked around and everybody was staring at us, both greasers and soc's, I felt hot with embarrassment as shocked round eyes watched from every direction

soda's eyes teared up with guilt "i ain't got nottin more to live for, I've lost everything" he said trying to get out of darry's grip

"you got us" darry yelled pulling him back towards him "you ain't going nowhere especially anywhere that could get you killed" he said

soda broke free from darry's grip "I'm almost eighteen, I'm almost an adult, I can do what I want, and if I wanna risk my life I can darry" he said, I gave him a shocked look as my mouth dropped, soda looked towards me "don't lose hope pony I'll send you letters" he said

darry pulled him to face towards his ice cold eyes "no you won't, cause your not leaving" he said

soda frowned at him in a way I had never seen him do before "i don't care if you want me to stay or nottin I'm leaving, this is my final answer and I'm gonna go out and fight that war no matter what you say to me"


	4. Chapter 4 promises

My heart sank at the thought of losing another close friend, no wait, Soda is more than a friend he's my brother, the only one that really understands me, what would life be like without em

"god dammit Soda, you aint leaving over my dead body" darry screamed, everybody stared at us and I knew a fight was about to break out

Soda started to tear up and I could see what pain it was to have to spare the truth "darry, my life is over, the baby's dead, mom and dad are dead, johnny and Dallas are dead" he paused and shook his head in grief "everybody's dying, and if it's gonna be like this I might as well end my life"

my palms started to sweat and I forced myself not to cry

"it don't have to end like this, the world aint over, you have so much more to live for, think of how it will affect pony's life, he could end up a drop out like you, he could end up attempting suicide on himself for gods sake" darry said as he fought to keep the fear out of his voice

Soda looked back at me then sighed "the kid's got a life ahead of em, he could grow up to do big things with his grades, I doubt I'll be of any help or harm"

"don't you even say that, you know he needs you, what would I be of any assistance to him, he needs you soda, first it's you, then it's him, then we could lose the whole gang" I could tell darry was about to cry "living without johnny is hard enough, we can't lose you too"

"next" I heard from behind the counter, I had suddenly noticed that the long line had suddenly shrunk like a Texas twister came through and wiped em all out "hurry up grease" he said in a sharper tone

soda looked behind him at the man then back at me "lets go home" he said

I felt a rush of relief run over me as he said those three words, darry was right soda's the only person I can talk to if I have a problem, it just wouldn't be the same if I had to tell darry, I just only hope he doesn't change his mind

when we got home it was nearly supper time, darry made dinner, meatloaf, fried cabbage, and mashed potatoes, it was a quit meal, nobody spoke much it felt as if we were a bunch of strangers eating together for the first time, it just didn't seem right, after soda and I did the dishes we went straight to bed, I was a rough day for both of us

"pony?" I heard out of no where

I turned around to look at soda lying down practically half asleep "yeah" I said

"i was thinking, you never really said much while darry and I were fighting earlier, I just wanted to ask, what was going through your mind" he said yawning every once in a while

I stiffened, I hadn't expected him to ask me anything about what happened earlier, I was quiet for a minute, staring into his drowsy face wondering if he was actually going to listen "i don't really know, there was just so much that I didn't really pay attention" I said hoping he wouldn't ask for anymore, I had to lie, I didn't want to crush his dreams of fighting in Vietnam

soda made a sleepy moan, "i figured that, you have an active young mind" he said

I looked over at him and saw that he was sleeping, I wondered if he ever had a mind like mine, always in use, always occupied with tons of junk, sometimes I wonder if he ever had an imagination like mine...

I woke up the next morning to find soda still in bed, I figured I should let him rest, when I got into the kitchen I noticed that darry wasn't up either, it wasn't normal for me to be the first one up but after all it had happened after I got back from windrexville, I made breakfast and sat down to watch Hogan's Heroes when I heard a knock at the door, I got up to answer it and saw some random girl standing in the doorway

"can I help you?" I asked confused

she smiled at me with a real sweet grin "hey, can I talk to sodapop Curtis" she said in her country accent

"he's sleeping, can you come over later"

"sure, tell him Jessie Miller stopped by" she said then left

I shrugged in confusion and closed the door about a half hour later soda got up, "hey" I said, he just gave me a tired noise back, "some girl named Jessie Miller came earlier, said she needed to talk to ya"

he looked at me with a worried expression "where is she now?" he asked

"left, I told her to come by later, she should be here again soon"

soda looked out the window then walked towards the bathroom "I'm gonna take a shower, let me know if she comes back" he said

"okay" I said and continued watching TV

a few minutes later I heard another knock at the door, soda rushed in as he put his worn out jeans on, "hi, wanna talk out here" he asked her

"sure"

I tried not to look out the window to see what they were doing yet the temptation got me a few times, after about fifteen minutes of waiting for soda to come back in I looked out one last time and saw them kiss, I fell off the sofa and darry came in

he looked at me "what the heck are you doing kid" he asked

"watching TV" I said trying not to sound suspicious

soda came in and I looked at him, I could tell he didn't want anybody to know what had just happened but I just had to ask, I waited till darry left though "what did she want"

"just wanted to tell me something" he said not looking up

"was it about sandy?" I asked

he motioned for me to come into the bedroom, I sat down in the chair by my desk while he sat on the bed "Jessie and I have been friends for a while, we met in school, she came by DX about two or three weeks ago, she always had feelings for me, but now I'm feeling the same for her" he said

I looked down for a moment, "so yall are going out" I asked

soda nodded "she asked me out to dinner tonight, please don't tell darry about this, he'd kill her if he found out I'm going out with another girl after what sandy did to me, I know he cares about me and all, but I really like Jessie"

"i won't"

"thanks pony, I'll need your help to keep darry occupied tonight so I can get out without him knowing what's going on"

"I'll do my best" nothing more came out of my mouth that morning, all I knew was that soda was happy and if this keeps him from joining the army I'll do whatever it takes to keep darry out of this


	5. Chapter 5 how our lives changed

The day went by slowly and it felt as if seven o'clock would never come, I hadn't even thought of what to tell darry, all I knew was that I had to help soda in order to help me, finally when the time came I braced myself knowing what risk I was putting on myself for helping soda

soda came into the living room and almost went out the door but quickly stopped to talk to me "tell darry I went out to get something at DX I'll be back by nine"

"I'll do my best" I said knowing that darry might never fall for such a stupid excuse, soda ran out the door and hopped in the old truck, I watched him drive off and darry came in

"where's he going"

I suddenly turned around and caught up with my thoughts "he uh, he left something at DX" I said

darry looked out through the door "he can at least be more organized" he mumbled then walked back into the kitchen to finish up dinner

it had been a while since Soda had gone out on a date, and every time he did he would inform darry of it, what must it feel like to be darry, wondering if his little brother will make it home at night, sleeping in fear of what might happen to us if he screws up

"dinner's ready" I heard darry yell and snapped out of my thoughts

I came in tiredly feeling kinda drowsy

"you okay ponyboy, you ain't looking to good" he tried to feel my forehead by I quickly sat down

"I'm fine darry, really" I said trying to convince him and myself, it's hard to think that the whole date thing could just really be an excuse for soda to go enroll in the army

"you'd better get some rest after you eat, I don't want you getting sick on me" he said as he sat down beside me

I barely touched my dinner, the thought of lying to darry killed me, and wondering if soda lied to me, I got in bed and slowly fell asleep

"ponyboy two-bit's here" I heard my mom call I ran to the door

"hey, I'll be right out" I said and ran to grab my jacket my mom kissed me and I heard dad tell me to have a nice time, I heard sirens all of the sudden and saw mom and dad lying on stretchers being carried from the car bursting in flames to the ambulance

"no!" I screamed and woke up, I couldn't move, only my eyes, not a muscle it was as if I was paralyzed, I saw my parents soaked in blood at my bedside, they were talking to me but in a different language, I could barely breath and I couldn't scream for help, I was wide awake yet I wished it was all a dream, I laid there helpless and in fear

the next morning I told darry what happened and he rushed me to the doctor, he said it was something called sleep paralysis where you wake up paralyzed and start hallucinating, when we got home darry asked me where soda was and I told him I didn't know, it was the truth, he was late and nobody knew where he had been, later he came in through the door and darry gave him a talk about what had happened

"soda, why didn't ya come home last night?" I asked

"Jessie and I went out to take a walk I guess we got carried away, I knew it felt longer than I'd though" he paused "I'm sorry about what happened yesterday pony, I didn't mean to let all this affect you"

"shoot no more you than anybody, it ain't your fault" I said

soda tried to laugh and I could tell something was bugging him "i promise I'll be here for ya tonight"

"thanks" It got quiet for a while but then I spoke up "how was it"

soda looked up at me confused

"how was the date" I repeated

I saw a tear run down his cheek "fine" he said

I could tell he was lying "what really happened" I said, I had just suddenly realized what just come out of my mouth, I wanted to slap myself for being so stupid

he looked up at me slowly then looked back down "it just didn't work out" he whispered

I could tell how much hurt he was in and I decided it was time to shut my trap

soda started bursting into tears "i don't understand why I'm losing everything so quickly in life" he whispered "nothing's going right for me, my life is jacked up and it seems as if it's only gonna get worse" he said

I stared watching his emotions run wild

"i just doesn't make sense, everything use to run smoothly until johnny and Dallas died, it's as if their death has caused us all this trouble, their death has cost us all we love, all we had, everything we needed to keep the gang going"

I started crying, soda looked at me and hugged me

"don't cry pony" he said trying to comfort me, he put his arm around my shoulder "listen, just because my life is turning to trash, don't give up on yours, I don't have a reason to live, but you have an education you can make big things out of this"

I was still silent

"don't lose hope" he said then helped me up, he walked me into our room and we sat their for a while, crying and winding down, I know how much sandy meant to soda, and her betrayal is what caused all of this, if there was any way to fix all of this it was to reunite soda and sandy so they could talk everything out, and that's just what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna get them to talk to each other one last time


	6. Chapter 6 scars

I looked through the phone book for Sandy's number wondering if what I was about to do was the right thing, when I finally found it I stared at the phone for a while then slowly picked it up, right as I was about to dial the number soda came in

"whatcha doing?" he asked staring at me then the phone

"i, uh, I'm gonna call two bit, ask him if he wants to go see a movie tonight" I said, I hadn't expected soda walk in and my excuse was really lousy I knew he would never fall for it

"okay" he said, he grabbed his DX hat and walked out

I felt a rush of relief wash over me as he exited the room, I stared at the phone one last time and thought it would be better if I wait till get got back from work

I heard darry talking to soda later when they got home "pony hasn't been looking to good lately, I want ya to keep an eye on him tonight and make sure he's doing ok"

"he's been acting a bit strange when I see him, do you think it could have something to do with what happened last night?" soda asked

"i don't know, ya think we should call Dr. Kane?"

"what ever you thinks best, it might also be the thought of me fighting in Vietnam, maybe he's worried I'm gonna leave off and get killed"

I stiffened when I heard that, soda was right I was worried about him dying, but yet it wasn't what was bothering me, I honestly feel fine, but my head's telling me different as if something's gonna happen one day that will change my life

"I'll call the doctor tomorrow" darry said and finished setting the table

"want me to call him in for dinner"

"sure, keep an eye on em though" darry replied, I heard soda's footsteps and I saw him peek through the door

"dinner's ready, darry's making pork chops" he said

I didn't reply

"you okay pony"

"yeah I'm fine there's just a lot on my mind right now"

soda went back into the kitchen and I looked back at the phone, how was I gonna get soda to talk to her, there's no way he'd do it if I said Sandy's on the phone, I got up and walked down the hall, I sat down and felt kinda dizzy

"need an aspirin pony" darry asked

I looked over at him and shook my head, despite the pain from all the mess running through my

mind

darry and soda talked a bit but my mouth stayed shut, I didn't even touch my plate, it felt like it had been weeks since I've eaten dinner, all the events taking place have been messing with me, and the fears of losing soda

I went into the bedroom and picked the phone up again, I dialed Sandy's number and heard the ring, the noise stabbed my brain but I knew this problem had to be settled

"hello" I heard a voice

"it's ponyboy, soda's brother, he needs to talk to you" I said then put my hand over the speaker "soda there's a call for you" I said hoping he would at least say hi to her

he ran in as fast as he possibly could "who is it"

I froze this was it, I doubt he'd want to answer it if he knew it was sandy "a friend"

he took the phone and I walked out of the room, I stood beside the door listening "hello?"

"hi soda, ponyboy told me you wanted to talk to me"

I could hear the confusion in his voice "he said you wanted to talk to me"

"maybe he just meant we wanted to talk to each other, I'm sorry about everything I did to you, I really did love you soda"

I heard nothing but silence "i loved you too, but now we live separate lives, there's no excuse for what you did to me"

"i said I'm sorry and I mean it, there's nothing I could of done to save the baby's life, things like this happen and we can't control it"

"I'm talking about how you cheated on me, it really hurt me sandy, you knew I cared about you, you knew it would hurt me, you knew it was what you wanted"

"soda I didn't mean to do that do you..."

"you should of thought about that sooner" he said and hung up

my heart raced and I knew I had made the wrong decision, I saw soda come out with hate and sorrow in his eyes, the expression on his face showed how he felt, trying to make something better only turned into something worse

soda put his shoes on and went outside, I raced to the door and saw him walking down the street, the street lights shining on his face showed he was crying, now it wasn't just sandy who hurt him, it was me

soda eventually came back, but he was gone for at least two hours, when he got in bed he didn't say anything, he laid down and fell asleep, the night was silent

when I got up he was getting ready for work, I looked at the time and got dressed for school, the only conversation was darry asking me how I slept last night, I looked out the window and saw soda drive off with Steve, as I walked to school I thought about what a huge dent in his life I had just created

the whole day went by like that, I couldn't focus in class and I skipped lunch, when I got home two bit was lying on the sofa snoring like a pig, I slapped his arm "darry home yet" I asked

"nope, he should be here soon though" he said as he got up

I got some chocolate cake and that was pretty much all I ate for the night, soda came home late, I was watching TV and darry was fixing his bed, I looked at soda's face and I could see blood, scratches, and bruises, my jaw dropped

darry came in looking at a piece of paper, he looked up and said only one thing "what the heck"


	7. Chapter 7 not so helpful help

We all stared in astonishment, it was silent for a while but then darry finally spoke up

"soda, what happened" he said in barely a whisper

he stared at darry then walked into the bedroom, darry looked at me and I looked at him, I could tell we were thinking the same thing, he had gotten jumped

we followed after him and saw soda sitting on the bed with his head down, darry sat beside him and put his arm on soda's shoulder, "what happened little buddy?" he asked

soda just shook his head

"did somebody jump ya?" he asked

soda stayed silent then I heard a small noise "i did this" he whispered

I felt confused how could soda do something like that to himself

"what?" darry said, "what do you mean you did it?"

he looked at darry "i tried to kill myself"

darry's ears turned red and his voice began to get shaky "why in the damn world would you try to kill yourself" he said

"sandy and I got into a fight and it just got me worked up" he said as tears fell to the floor

"why did you even call sandy, you know it would only cause trouble" darry said as he held back his fear

"she called me" he got silent then continued "she called me yesterday and, I just got so full of what happened that I lost control, I didn't know what to do, so I tried to commit suicide on myself" he said

"you had no reason to, you could of found another way to take out your anger you didn't have to..."

"i wasn't mad" soda interrupted, "i was sad, it was like my whole past had just flashed in front of me, all the bad and evil that had caused my life to fall apart came back to haunt me"

"why don't you get some rest, we'll talk this over in the morning" he said and got up, I saw darry motion for me to follow

we went into the living room and darry started to talk to me "were gonna try to seek professional help for soda, I know it's expensive but it's the only thing we can do right now, I'd rather waste money than to have us lose our brother"

"do you think they'll be able to snap him out of it" I asked

"only time can tell pony, only time can tell" he said then got up, before he left the room he turned around to face me "i want you to sleep in the living room tonight and let soda wind down a little, he needs some time to himself"

"ok" I said then let him continue

"I'll get you some blankets and a pillow, you can sleep on the couch, just until we can get this settled out"

I got out a book and started to read while darry got the stuff, I couldn't focus on the words since my mind was running wild with what could happen to soda if the professional help didn't work

darry finally came back a few minutes later and handed me the blankets, he put the pillow on the table and went back into his room, I fixed up the sofa, and laid down wondering if my stupid mistake could literally kill soda, not only his body, but his heart

I woke up the next morning to darry in the kitchen, I could smell the eggs and sausage like they were right under my nose, I got up and was relieved to find that soda was still asleep and safe

"sleep well last night" darry asked

"yeah, kinda uncomfortable but everything went fine" I said as I sat down

darry handed me a plate and sat down next to me "soda ain't gonna go to work today, I called mike and told him what happened, I got an appointment with a specialist, and their gonna come to the house while your at school"

I took a bite of my eggs and they tasted plain, my head was still pounding from the thought of soda's suicidal attempt

"I'll be driving you to school this morning, I got your lunch packed and all" darry said as he gathered up the dishes to wash them

darry dropped me off at school and got to work, as I walked to first period I wondered what soda was gonna do while we were gone

**(soda's POV at the house)**

I heard a knock on the door and got up to answer it, I saw a tall thin lady with brown hair and a brief case "who are you?" I asked

"I'm Mrs. Jackson, I'm here to help you with your emotional problems"

"oh" I said, I remembered the note darry left me about that person coming over to help me today

"should we get started" she asked as she straightened out her fancy rich clothes

"i guess" I led her into the living room and I could tell she wasn't impressed with the way the house was a mess

"if somebody has a problem the first thing they need to do is tell people about it and your problem is you and your girlfriend..."

"ex girlfriend" I corrected

"you and your ex, got into a fight and you need some help getting over it"

I nodded and she went on

"what have you been thinking since this event" she asked

I looked down and didn't reply

"if you don't tell me what your response to this event is then how will I help you, you need to tell me" she said

I felt stressed out and suddenly a burst of anger rushed through me "just get out of our house, I don't need your damn help, I can fix things on my own!" I screamed

she gave me a surprised expression and silently left the house, when she was gone I raced into the bedroom and started crying, I did need help coping with this, but that lady was only making it worse, I could fix things on my own and I don't need anybody getting into this situation, there's only one thing I can do to fix this

I went into the kitchen and opened the droor with the knives only to find they were gone, I looked all over the house and all of the knives, broken glass, and stuff were gone, I went into the bathroom and pulled out a bottle of isotropic alcohol and started chugging it


	8. Chapter 8 recovery

I got called out of class early today, two-bit drove me to the hospital and told me that darry and gone home for his lunch break and found soda passed out on the floor with a bottle of isapropyl alcohol beside him, he told me that he rushed to the hospital hoping he wasn't too late, I haven't seen soda yet but all I can think of is if he's alive or not

"were here kid" I heard two-bit's voice and he helped me out of the car I was shaking with fear knowing that soda was probably in ICU or something, or maybe getting ready to be put in a coffin

as I walked into the room I saw darry sitting beside soda's bedside with tears coming out of his eyes "darry?", he slowly looked up at me "is he... dead?"

darry got up and pulled me towards him "he's gonna be fine pony" I could tell he was trying to comfort me but looking down at soda almost dead was too frighting, nothing could help me get over the thought of losing him at any minute

"what'd the doctors say" two-bit asked

darry looked at soda then at two-bit"he ingested a lot of it, they don't know if he's gonna make it through the night with the way he's breathing" he looked back at soda and I could also tell his breathing was very faint

"should I take him back home" two-bit asked

I could see both darry and two-bit looking at me in the corner of my eye "yeah, I think this is a bit to much for him right now"

two-bit led me out of the hospital and I nearly passed out in the lobby, when I got home he fixed my bed up and told me I needed to rest my nerves

darry didn't come home that night, it was just me and two-bit, he stayed at our house the whole time and every once in a while I would hear the phone ring and I would start praying that it wasn't darry telling him soda died, I didn't sleep at all that night

two-bit bought breakfast from jack in the box but I didn't eat anything, my mind was working harder than my stomach if I even tried to eat I felt sick, darry called us and I was hoping it wasn't about soda

"ok, I'll bring him over" two-bit said, my heart sank and I knew what happened, "darry want's me to take you to see soda at the hospital", I took a deep breath of relief and got up to get in the car the ride felt like it took hours

when we finally got there I got out of the car, I felt very dizzy and I knew I needed to eat something, it'd had been at least a day since I'd eaten, when we walked into soda's room I saw more medical equipment than yesterday and vomit everywhere

"he's been having seizures as a result of the poisoning, the doctors have to check on him every five or ten minutes to make sure he isn't chocking on his own vomit too" darry sighed "it was a rough night having to watch him go through this, he just barely made it" he was whispering to two-bit but yet I could still hear what they were saying and the thought shook me up pretty bad

a nurse came in and started check his pulse and stuff, she brought in about three doctors to help her and darry told me to go sit in the lobby for a while, I don't know what happened after that but I'm pretty sure it wasn't good

soda finally got moved out of ICU after about a week, he started to come around but he still couldn't talk, it took two weeks before he could start completely talking

when I woke up this morning darry told me to hurry so I could see soda, I sprang up and got dressed as fast as I could, I hadn't heard his voice in a long time, when I got in the truck I could tell darry knew I was exited "take it easy on him ok ponyboy"

"i will, just hurry" I said impatiently, when we got to the hospital I hopped out of the truck and slammed the door, darry had to literally hold my shirt collar to slow me down

when I took my first step into soda's room he looked at my and smiled "hey pony" his voice was weak and shaky "how's school going"

"pretty good, you feeling any better?"

"yeah, nothing too serious anymore, the doctor said I should be out in a few weeks"

"he's been wanting to see ya real bad" darry said putting his hand on my shoulder, I walked over to the chair beside soda's bed so I could get darry of me

he really did look better, his eyes still had that wild and reckless look to them, it's as if nothing had happened, he looked like himself but with an IV needle and a bunch of other medical stuff on him, he was still the same old soda, he'd been before

"how's everything been here for ya little brother" darry asked sitting beside me in the other chair

"not much to do, but it's working out, sometimes they turn the radio on and stuff, and Steve visits every time he gets a chance, it just ain't like being at home though, the doctor told me that I thankfully didn't suffer from any intense brain damage"

"just a few minor things huh?" darry asked sounding a bit nervous

soda nodded "tor up the right side a bit, they said I'll have some trouble keeping my right hand still sometimes but other than that I should be fine"

I saw that soda was kinda drifting off a bit and darry suddenly pulled me up by the arm "come on pony, he needs his rest" as I left the room I watched soda, what if this could lead to more harm, and what if it could take his life in another event

later that night after dinner I went straight to bed, soda need sleep and so did I, as my mind slowly shut down into sleep mode I was thinking about one thing, and one thing only, is this only the beginning?


End file.
